Epic Fail

Today I was craving fruit and french toast, and both of those cravings were satisfied, but not without some minor setbacks. Ben and I went to the store, and I was feeling a little adventurous; you see, Harmons has the best produce ever (aside from the over-abundance of organic produce, which is just irritating,) and I wanted to try something funky. What ensued was not pretty. We purchased some standard fruit in the form of: red grapes, a red pear, a pomegranate, and tangerines, all of which were delicious. On the flip side, we purchased some alien fruit. A pummelo, a feijoa guava, and a kiwano horned melon were discovered on our culinary expedition. I do not ever recommend the latter two fruits, below are pictures, and it is best that everyone heed my advice. These deceiving little bastards look enticing, but they are not consumed by the general popluation because they are disgusting. You have been warned.

Champion Submission Challenge

Team Absolute was represented by five members on November 14th, at UVU, for the Champion Submission Challenge, which is a submission-only grappling tournament. This tournament had no time limit, and there were no points. Competitors had the option of gi or no-gi, and some of our Team chose to compete in both divisions. We had a very strong showing with all five of our participants.

Vanessa The Scientist transformed into Vanessa The Destroyer, and swept first in both gi and no-gi events for women! She put up an amazing fight throughout, but the final match was one of epic proportions; when I say proportions, I mean that literally. The wonderful woman that she fought has the largest breasts that I have ever seen! It was like she had three opponents at once, but that did not deter Vanessa, and her athletic ability really showed. Aside from her amazing talent, she was rocking a pink Atama gi, it was enough to make me swoon.


Bret Gold had some very long matches in his weight division for the men's gi portion. There was one match in particular when he was clearly exhausted, but he muscled through, and ended up taking third place. Denver Merrifield-Nirva signed up for both gi and no-gi divisions, and placed 2nd in no-gi. His last opponent put up one hell of a fight, but after winning the match against "Dirty Denver" he ended up passing out. That's right, he passed out AFTER the fight. He may have caught Denver in a submission, but Denver will haunt his dreams for quite some time! Braeden Kilpack (aka: my awesome little bro) took second place in the Junior's gi division, and fought hard in the Junior's no-gi. One of Braeden's matches (which resulted in a loss for him) lasted for over thirty minutes, and Braeden was dominant for the entire match! His heart really showed, and I'm very proud of him. Nate Epperson came out for his first tournament, and had more mat time than most of our team, combined. He fought tooth and nail in the gi division, and ended up taking second place!

El Capitain, AKA Ben Garner entered in the Men's Title-Middleweight Gi division and the Absolute Title Gi division. It came as no surprise that he dominated every person in both, and he walked away with first place titles. The fight for first place in the Absolute division was a battle to the end, and Ben managed to arm lock a fourth-degree purple belt from one of our sister gyms. Ben is a second-degree blue belt, but he regularly submits men that "outrank" him. Aside from devastating every opponent he faced, Ben helped everyone prepare for the tournament, and his help was priceless. Without his attention to detail in the gym, no one would have been as prepared as they were, and he really was the foundation for our team at this event. With that said, of course, we ultimately couldn't do any of this without Rob, and his vast knowledge and unending support.



I was very thankful to be a part of the tournament, even if it was only from the sidelines. Everyone kicked some serious ass.

It Really Is Wonderful

I like reading The New York Times and drinking chai tea; I can't stress enough how much I absolutely love reading the news. If I believed in souls, I would say that reading international headlines warms mine.

Lately I have been feeling a bit negative, and it makes me feel gross. I really have a very happy life, and my days are filled with a million positive things.
For instance, I don't have to wear a burka, and that is great.
Female genital mutilation isn't something that I have to fear (personally.)
I am fortunate enough to pursue my education, and participate in the free exchange of ideas. When I want to eat food, I can choose from an array of options. I don't have to grow or kill anything for sustenance, and that is bitchin.
My friends are some of the best people on the planet. I have an amazing job, and a healthy body. There isn't a single day that I don't get to look outside and see the sky. I laugh more than most people, and I'm surrounded by love. Why do I feel so negative sometimes? I suppose it is normal, but I won't stand for it! For every negative thought, I'm going to verbalize three great things in life, nobody likes a Negative Nancy.

Cage

"She walks around the corner, it’s like she brought the sun with her, Then everything just brightened up, I couldn’t make this up.
My fingers in my eyes as she walked by like I was waking up...Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me. I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking, and feeling like your heart is beating solely for me." -Cage, "I Never Knew You"

"I Never Knew You" is about a stalker that eventually kills a girl, but the song makes my heart melt. I can not wait to see Cage in concert! This song is creepy in its entirety, but I can't wait for the day when someone thinks the world brightens up because I walked around the corner.

The cover art for Cage's Depart From Me, was done by Alex Pardee. He is an amazing artist, and I would do anything to procure the painting below.

Absolute MMA

February of this year was a month that changed my life. I joined a mixed martial arts gym, Absolute MMA. My little brother (Braeden) had watched the fighting movie Never Back Down and started training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu out of a small gym, with a guy that turned out to be a total whacko. When my mom pulled him out of the gym (which was actually a loading dock in an industrial complex,) he began researching for a new place to study; thankfully, he found Absolute. I was tipping the scale at an unmentionable weight at this time, and wanted to give this workout stuff a try, and was waiting for a time when we could start. For a full month before we went I heard about Steven Sharp and Camrann Pacheco, and I was forced to watch countless youtube videos of both of them. It was February that we were able to check the gym out.

When I first walked into the gym, they were doing body-kick drills on Thai pads, and I have never been so intimidated in all of my life! A room full of men, grunting like animals, kicking harder than I had ever seen was not a welcoming sight. Also, the first person that I notice kicking is someone from high school, that I didn't particularly like, and there was also a guy (turns out his name is Phil) that was clearly on some sort of steroids. In that instant, I didn't think I could handle kickboxing, and I was pretty sure Braeden would have to fly solo with a gym membership. Just as I was writing this place off as a hangout for meat heads, Professor Rob Handley introduces himself. Rob is the owner of Absolute MMA, and he is now someone that I can honestly call my mentor and a great friend. I tell him all of the time that if there was a Jesus, I imagine that he made people feel the way that Rob does when you first meet him. He is a very large man, with legs comparable to tree trunks, and a full beard with a bald head, but his smile detracts from how menacing he is. His smile was so comforting, and his voice was so sincere, that when he put his arm around me and told me to come in and try the place out for a week, I knew I had to give it a shot.

So, after meeting Jesus, AKA Rob, we came in on a Saturday morning. I told Braeden that I was sick and couldn't workout that day, but when we arrived and there wasn't a single person other than us there, I grabbed my clothes and completed the workout. My sickness was purely nerves, and when I realized the only person to witness my humiliation was Brae, I was ready to go. I still remember the exact heavy bag that I worked on for the first class, and I distinctly remember tasting vomit in my throat and feeling death in my lungs. Our warm-ups consist of two- five minute rounds of jump roping (generally) and I couldn't make it through a full two minutes without feeling like my calves were going to explode. Death and vomit aside, I had never felt so proud as I did when I finished that intense hour of work. I had fallen in love with the place, and I was going to come back.

For the first two weeks at the gym I was so nervous before every class that I would almost hurl. I was overweight, self-conscious, and completely intimidated. I worked through those first two weeks and I have been going back ever since.

Now, I don't just kickbox, but I also do BJJ, and some intermittent kettlebell work. Since February I have lost thirty-eight pounds, and I've gained a new appreciation for my body and its capabilities. I feel safer when I walk alone at night, and I feel sexier when I'm naked. The physical challenges that are thrust upon you when you are a member of our team are unimaginable to most people. In fact, most people don't stick around after one class, because it is just that hard. While working out at the gym, I have met some of the most amazing people. I have forged relationships at my gym that I believe will last a lifetime. My home away from home is tucked away in West Jordan, Utah, and is filled with some of the most entertaining characters that I've ever met. For instance, Camrann; Cam is an extremely talented fighter. He looks like he is built out of stone, and fights at 145. He's a purple belt in BJJ, and an all-around astonishing athlete. Cam has quickly become one of my best friends in the world. He is an atheist and an avid podcast subscriber. He has introduced me to the formal Skeptic movement, and I love talking with him about subjects that range from Libertarianism to Gay marriage. We have the same taste in music and movies, and I feel as though I can tell him anything. When I complain that my thighs are still touching in the middle, he tells me not to worry, that I look amazing. When I feel like I am going to vomit, he knows how to push me past the acid in my throat, and get me through it. I have never met someone that challenges me the way Cam Bam does. He challenges me physically as my instructor at the gym, and without him, I wouldn't possess what little skill I have. He challenges me mentally; I am constantly forced to point my skeptical eye at topics with Cam, and because of conversations with him, I have spent countless hours online doing research. He challenges me emotionally, his brutal honesty is unparalleled, and there are times when he tells me the last thing that I want to hear, but he's always the first to tell me exactly what I need. Words literally can not express the adoration that I have for this man and all that he does, I am honored to know him, and his beautiful wife and son (they're also expecting a baby girl soon,) are so lucky to have him. He is a long way from a meathead, and I am convinced that we will be friends until the day that one of us dies.

Vanessa is another one of my favorite people at the gym, and I'm consistently amazed with her integrity and capacity for love. VTS (Vanessa the Scientist) could not be more different from me ideologically. Vanessa is a devout member of the LDS church, and is as pure as fresh fallen snow; if there is a heaven, that girl is heading straight through the pipleline to the highest level, Super Mario style. She has been training for two years and has participated in three tournaments, with a total of four different divisions (approximately.) Not surprisingly, she has placed 1st in three, and has samurai swords to prove it. I never would have imagined that someone like her would be one of my best friends, but she is. She loves me in spite of my vulgarity, but I'm pretty sure she appreciates it. We both love to read, cook, play sports, and act silly! We can speak openly about our insecurities as women, and can talk for hours about how hard it is to balance intellect and independence with the desire for companionship. The person that gets to marry this woman is going to be so lucky, because they will have the most beautiful wife on their arm at the party, and aside from looking hot, she can choke the shit out of someone and then analyze their saliva under a microscope! She smashes stereotypes, and I'm thankful to know such a fearless female.

Ben, AKA Bentrey is another one of my favorites at the gym. Ben is a second-degree blue belt in Jits, and similar to Cam, he is a well-rounded athlete/competitor in every other area. I can't recount the amount of 1st place titles he has taken in Jiu Jitsu competitions, just know that he is a ninja. I constantly tell Ben that he is a freak, because he is. I have never witnessed someone with so much passion and talent. If there is something that he would like to achieve, it will be done. I feel completely at ease with him and can listen to his stories for hours on end. His impersonations make me giggle nonstop, and I have placed more trust in him than I ever believed I could with another man. Ben is someone that I could call at any time of the night, and he would be there to help me, no matter what. I'm amazed by his athletic prowess, but it is his character that blows my mind wide open. He is a freak, because his beauty as a person knows no bounds. Also, every time that I see Ben, I want to tear his pants off with my teeth. He is an extremely attractive man, which only adds to my theory that he is a freak.

Pedro is like a superhero. I'm convinced he is made of titanium. Pedro convinced me to get onto the mat, and every time we roll he calls me a bitch, and if he doesn't, I feel dead inside. It really is an odd relationship, but it is one that I value more than most. Positive reinforcement has been completely revolutionized by this man. He is a tough nut to crack, but we connected almost immediately. You always know where you stand with Pedro, and that is a quality that is drastically under-appreciated.

The man, the myth, the legend, Rob Handley, I'm convinced he hung the moon. Rob is the one that makes it all happen, and I will never be able to repay him with enough compliments to let him know just how much he has done. He has given us all support when we need it, and sometimes when we don't deserve it. To know Rob is to adore Rob, and I hope that one day, I can repay him for all that he has done.

I could go on for hours about these people, and those are just a few. I can't forget Denver, Bret, Riley, Ricky, Komi, Miyo, Alfred, or anyone else that trains with us. These people are more than a team, they are a family, and each personality helps to make the dynamic special.

Who knew that kicking people in the head could be a show of love?

Money, Money, Money

I have a spending problem.

When I go out with friends, I like to pay for our activities. It makes me feel happy when I can take my friends out to dinner, or when I can surprise someone with a gift. There are many magnificent sensations in this world, but the look of surprise and happiness on the face of someone else is priceless to me, and I dare say that I'm addicted to the way it makes me feel. I guess it is safe to say that I enjoy taking care of people, and buying someone dinner is an easy form of this. With that said, I spend way too much money on people. I will spend money that I don't have to do something nice for my friends, and that has created a bit of a financial conundrum for myself. I didn't realize that it was a problem until Ben and I were laying on the hippie couch and he told me that it was ridiculous that I spent over two hundred dollars on our friend's birthday. He was the first person to actually call it to my attention, and because of him (and Camrann) I have started a budget.

I'm embarking on a budget process that should render me debt free within a year. This plan is courtesy of Dave Ramsey and his book The Total Money Makeover. Camrann is the person that suggested the book initially, but I ignored his suggestion until recently. I shouldn't have ignored him, Cam is one of the most brilliant people that I know and I trust his judgment more than my own (that is the last time I don't immediately read one of his suggestions.) This book has caused me to view money in a completely revolutionized fashion. This new budget is mentally challenging for me. I am used to paying for other people, and I'm also used to spending money on whatever it is that I want-I can't do that anymore Now, my money is already spent before I get my paycheck, and I have cut up my credit cards. When I want something, I am forced to peer into my wallet and stare at the meager amount of cold hard cash that is allotted to my entertainment spending. Let me tell you, my entertainment stipend is now a mere one quarter of what it used to be. I am stretching "fun money" that I would spend in three days so that it lasts me two weeks. I will do this, because I've set my mind to it, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to go crazy!!!!!

Swelling Members

Last night I had the chance to see my favorite hip-hop group, Swollen Members, perform at the Urban Lounge in Downtown SLC. I have loved the group since I first heard their album Bad Dreams two years ago, and I quickly learned to love their entire discography (their latest album is still under personal consideration.) Up until last night it seemed as though I was never going to be able to hear them live! They played at Urban in January, and I couldn't go because I wasn't old enough, and they were here again in August, but I was out of town; needless to say, my attendance was a long time coming. I was a little hesitant to see them perform, for fear that they would suck live and my previous love affair would be dashed. Also, their latest release Armed to the Teeth which dropped on November 27th, has not been my favorite album thus far, and I didn't want to see a performance based predominantly on the latest material. Anyyywwaayyyy, I pushed all of that aside, and bought the tickets. I forced my friend Ben (whom I enjoy as much as the band itself) to go with me!

We arrived at about 9:45 p.m. for the show, and there were three opening acts. The first opener is called Bliss N Esso, and they hail from Australia. Evaluating them in hip-hop vernacular I would dare say that they are "dope". After Bliss N Esso, an amazing duo that calls themselves Common Market performed, and I can say with total certainty that these guys are murderously dope, they were so good that I didn't care how long they performed! The last performers go by the name Big B & Dirtball, and I was secretly hoping that the emcee dropped dead on the stage, because it was not my style of music, at all. One of Big B's songs was called "White Trash Renegade," I do not play that game, and it killed my mood for the entire time they played the set. Ben and I were both recovering from a brutal Muay Thai class earlier in the evening and were starting to lag after the White Trash guy, and then, Rob The Viking came onto the stage! I immediately perked up and grabbed the waistband on Ben's jeans and shook him while squealing "That's Rob The Viking, their DJ!" Swollen bombed onto the stage at about Midnight, and they opened with the track "Blackout" from their fifth studio album, Black Magic. Instantly the entire crowd was jumping with hands in the air, rapping along with Mad Child and Prevail. Much to my satisfaction, the material that they performed was mostly from their old albums, and the new songs they did perform were some of my favorites. My absolute favorite song, "Too Hot" was performed in the middle of the set, and I don't think I have ever smiled so hard or sang so loud!!!

Prevail and Mad Child have some of the sickest flows that I have ever heard! They sound almost identical to their CDs, which we all know is hard to achieve, and both emcees possess a stage presence that is hard to rival. Joining them on stage was the newest member to Battle Axe family, Tre Nyce, and he also sounded amazing live.

So, the show is blowing my mind and every expectation, when they start performing the song "Breath." On the album, Monsters in the Closet, Nelly Furtado sings the chorus, but in her absence the crowd is filling in. And then, it happened... Prevail makes direct eye contact with me, and smiles! PREVAIL, AKA Cannonball Crush, AKA Prev 1 the Microphone Crippla!!! This extremely sexy and magnificently talented man SMILES AT ME, and proceeds to push over people to put his microphone in front of my mouth so that I can sing the chorus!!!!! Ben also helped to push me forward once he saw what was going on. I sang into his mic like I was never going to have vocal chords again! Then, when I thought it couldn't get any better, he crowd surfed over my head!!!! After the song ended, I grabbed Ben's shirt and screamed "That was the coolest thing that has ever happened to me!!!!" At that moment in time, I meant it, that was the coolest thing that had ever happened to me! I have not been able to make it through one hour of my day without reminding my co-workers that I sang into Prevail's microphone.

The concert ended, and I have never felt so pleased with a musical performance. Bentley and I went to Denny's and then he cuddled me to sleep at his house. Prev and Ben in the same night, how can a girl be so lucky?? I didn't bring my camera, but here are some pictures of the group in all of their glory...

Patriotism Galore

Today the results are in for a Proposition in the State of Maine that would repeal a previous legislative decision to legalize same-sex marriage; the religious right has prevailed, and the law was repealed. Once again, the rug has been pulled from underneath people in love. I couldn't help but feel devastated when I read the news. In the wake of California's Proposition 8, which passed one year ago, a victory for advocates would have given the movement for equal rights some much needed momentum. What made the debate in Maine so significant was the fact that none of the other five states that have legalized gay marriage (Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Iowa) have done so through popular vote, rather with court decisions. It seemed as though this was the chance the LGBT community and its allies had been hoping for. Finally, we were going to have a concrete example that people are ready for a change, because after all, the constituents have spoken! Instead, we have added one more State to the list-now totaling thirty-one- that have voted against Gay Marriage during a popular vote. The aftermath of the decision has far reaching implications, but most importantly, it affects households where marriage is desired.

Now we get to hear stories abound from couples that had been planning weddings, and now they have to plan cancellations. Real people, with real companions, are devastated by this vote. People that are in love are being told they can't express their feelings in the same way that other citizens can; This permissible bigotry makes me hang my head in shame, it is the antithesis of the American ideal! Americans are supposed to champion equality, and minimal government, and every time a decision is made that strikes down the push for equal rights, the government is playing a direct role, and equality is forced further into the horizon! The irony is, the people that support the oppression claim to be "true Americans," and they are "protecting their nation." In all actuality, they are behaving in a strictly anti-American fashion.

I suppose my root contention with the vote is the way it hurts countless people; Respectable, law abiding citizens are being seriously oppressed and the majority of people fail to recognize this. It is set forth in our Constitution that there is a separation of Church and State, and when it comes to the issue of gay marriage, this premise seems to disappear. I would love to hear one argument against Gay Marriage that doesn't include citations from religious texts, or a simple distaste for the idea of the same-sex copulating. The last time I checked, our Constitution is the cornerstone of our Democracy, and it should not be ignored. Allowing religion to dictate policy is unconstitutional, and allowing oppression based upon pure sexual preference is simply asinine.

I could go on for days, and hope that my logic will compel people to open their minds, but it probably won't work. I wish that every person that voted in favor of Maine's Proposition 1 had to meet a Homosexual couple, look them in the eyes and repeat the statement, "Because I don't feel the same way that you do, you can not achieve your full happiness. Because I have been told that you are a heathen, I am going to condemn you as a person without attempting to know you beforehand. Because of the way I have voted, you and your partner will not have access to the same rights as me, and I don't care how much you cry, because you are a second-class citizen." I know logic can't penetrate most people in the Right Wing, but I know emotions can, and in my utopian circumstance some minds would definitely change after repeating that statement to a brokenhearted/browbeaten person.

Karaoke, Alone

Tonight was one of the nights where I felt like having a pity party. My version of a pity party involves a bag of beef jerky and a lot of talking to myself. I repeat all of my good qualities aloud, and usually follow them up with statements like "he's a fucking idiot," (because let's be honest, pity parties are usually spurred by issues with persons possessing penises.) So, while I'm driving to Target to acquire some peppered beef jerky, I'm ranting at the top of my lungs, and it sounds something like this,
"I'm a damn genius! What other girl can discuss hegemonic stability theory, and kick you in the head? I'm hilarious, and pretty, and he's going to be sorry!"

Inevitably, Pat Benatar attends the party and we dare everyone in the world to hit us with their best shot, and people better start treating us right or we're going to obliterate the battlefield, be it the one of love or academia. Pat and I park the car to pillage the store; I purchase my jerky and a Diet Mountain Dew, and eventually continue driving (still ranting and raving in between choruses.) Somewhere in the middle of "Heartbreaker" it dawned on me that people can see me while I'm driving. The pity party that I thought was private is like an exhibit on wheels. The general public is watching me chow down on peppered animal flesh, while hitting my steering wheel and screaming. Duh Kilpack, your windows aren't tinted like a limousine, and all of those times that you have cried and cruised, people are watching! I pride myself on the fact that I'm not crazy, but I suppose I'm just as beavershit crazy as the next person. Until tonight I didn't think I shared my insanity, but I guess my canibal karaoke isn't just something I share with Pat, all of rush hour traffic gets a front row seat.