Becoming A Dog Mom

I'm taking a quick moment to gush.

I never knew I could be so in love with an animal outside of my species, but I have fallen madly in love. Eddie McDragon has quickly become one of my best friends.  It was love at first sight when we picked him up from our local Humane Society. In a room full of wildly barking dogs, Eddie was calmly staring at me, and walked forward to lick my hand. We didn't need to look any further. I knew which dog was ours.  June 7th, we adopted a dog with a wiry tail and a significant underbite. We adopted a dog that already knows how to sit, stay, and fetch. He is house and crate trained.

I can be having the worst day in the world, and all it takes is one look at that little scoundrel and I'm melting. I'm grateful that I spend time outsie with Eddie, because finding time outdoors has always been a problem in my adult life. We take wonderful walks that make me happy, and not just because of the Vitamin D, but because I know I'm being a good dog parent. He really makes me slow down and appreciate the small things. Afterall, don't you wish being outside always made you smile like this?

I have become the type of person that is constantly taking pictures of their dog. My iPhone has over fifty pictures of him stored in its memory. I may seem obsessed, but this little guy has really brought Ben and I even closer together. More than ever before, we feel like a family.

He gives us so much, and asks for so little. I'm so grateful to have this little fur ball join our wonderful family.



I'm Not Stuck

Here I am, a graduate. I'm officially a University of Utah Alumni. I worked my ass off, and I'm here.  Where is "here" exactly? It's $25,000 in debt, at the same dead end job, applying for jobs within the state bureaucracy. Applying for jobs that pay thirteen dollars an hour, and get this, those jobs REQUIRE a Bachelors degree.  "Here" has turned into a weird funk that I am clamoring to get out of, because I suddenly have all of this time on my hands, but all I want to do is sleep.  Basically, I'm on the precipice of (or I've fallen in and I'm in denial) of depression.

"We" are supposed to go to college. We are told from a young age that we must go to college to succeed. Education drives the economy; education bulks up a resume. "They" don't tell you that the job market might be in the weeds by the time you graduate.

For the past two months I have been having an all out, full-on, fucking panic attack. What am I going to do? 

The first major hurdle to clear was admission to a graduate program, and guess what? I have been accepted to the program of my choice! I have been accepted to Westminster College's Master of Arts in Community Leadership program. I start in January 2013, and will graduate in two years.

After finding out about the MACL program, things have started to look a tad different. I am still applying for jobs, but I am currently employed, and I make enough money to pay the bills (and then some). I'm an alumni, a first generation college student with two Bachelors degrees. I have loads of volunteer and professional experience. I went to college and made friends. I went to college and learned to interact with people from all walks of life. I will earn a Masters degree, which is pretty damn cool if you ask me.  Most importantly: I am not stuck. I am happy, healthy, and I am loved. I am far from stuck.

Did I Mention?

My dad's tumor is benign!

That is all.

Hives

Today I had a very good friend start a conversation with, "I was going to stop being friends with you."
I broke out in hives when she said those words, and instantly choked back tears.  The little voice in my head responded, "okay," but I didn't understand why she would think such an awful thing.

For the past two weeks my friend has been different, and I have been trying to figure out what happened, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I scoured over conversations to find if there was some detail that I was forgetting. I sent messages to no avail.  I tried to make plans, nothing.  Did I say something sarcastically that was interpreted wrong?  Did I forget plans?  Did I hug her husband too affectionately?  I couldn't think of a single thing I had done.

I asked her what was wrong and she shared the details of my transgressions (after two weeks of the cold shoulder).  As it turns out, she had misinterpreted some things and not talked to me about them.  Mostly, she admitted, it was all in her head.

In my head I saw another friend slipping away.
I saw her husband, someone I call my best friend, disappearing.
In my head, her beautiful children whom I love very much were being taken from me.

I cried for about an hour in the bathroom at work.  I was so blotchy and red that my co-workers were concerned.  I tried really hard to keep my sadness in, but I couldn't.

Today was one of those really bad days, the ones where nothing goes right, and things suddenly take a catastrophic turn for the worst.  I thought the time tested life pattern of loved ones abandoning me was happening again.

I cried at work, one of the worst places to cry.  I cried so hard I was sweating, and I almost threw up.  My friend and I are fine, but I can't shake the feeling from earlier, the worst feeling, the feeling I loathe more than most, the feeling of being expendable.  The human mind and body can take some pretty serious torment and become accustomed to some fairly grueling conditions, but the feeling of being tossed aside, that is something I will never adapt to.  Even just close calls, they hurt like the real thing.

Loving people can be hard, because you can't control how they love you in return, and I swear, that is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn.

Bragging

Today is my friend Alexis' birthday, and I hope she has the best day, because she deserves it more than she will ever know. 

Alexis is:

• funny
• a certified personal trainer
• a competition rock climber (previously ranked 10th in the U.S.)
• caring
• a professional belly dancer
• smart; she has two honors degrees from The University of Texas at Austin
• speaks multiple languages
• is a 2X golden gloves champ (she made it to the finals four times total)
• a bad ass muay Thai fighter
• a total sweetheart.  
• an amazing pianist
• a talented painter
• a good listener
• super gorgeous

Did I mention she is gorgeous, because she is absolutely and completely beautiful? I shit thee not, she has done all of that stuff, and she is all of those things, and she isn't even thirty.  I hope her day is fabulous.  I hope this year brings her tons of good fortune, and I hope to make some awesome memories with her in the years to come!

Serenity

My mom's house has always had a copy of the Serenity Prayer hanging on the wall, and I vividly and fondly remember the prayer being recited at AA meetings as a child.  As an adult, I try to look to the prayer as a model.  As an atheist, I interpret the message a tad differently, but the overall content is the same.  I often find myself saying:


I will achieve serenity when I accept that there are things I cannot change; I will have the courage to change the things I can, and over time, I will acquire the wisdom to know the difference.

Who Do You Love?

So, Ben left for Hawaii.  He will be gone for two weeks, which is cool.  He doodled a cute little countdown calendar on the whiteboard in our kitchen, and it made my heart melt.  Now that he is gone people have been asking me nonstop if I miss him, and everyone seems to be asking, "how are you holding up with him gone?"  I know that people mean well, and I know that he meant well with the calendar, but it all really made me think.

I felt a tad sad thinking about him being gone for two weeks, because I love him.  I like coming home to him, and hearing about his day.  However, I am not exactly devastated that he is gone.  I go to school full-time, work full-time, have tons of friends, and have plenty of training, cooking, reading, and blog writing to do.  I mean, really, it would be a bit pathetic if I was devastated or sad over two weeks of him being gone, right?

The sum of things has made me evaluate some stuff.  I love him, and I love our life together.  I like building our life together.  We do fun stuff, and Ben is my best friend, but I have a lot more self-love now than I have ever had.  Spending time alone isn't bad, in fact, it is kind of nice.  I had a great day in class, and kicked some butt (Chelsea style) in jits last night.  I was feeling great, and it continued when I went home to the empty house.  I made myself a steak sandwich on some delicious fresh ciabatta bread, ate half of the juiciest cantaloupe that I have ever tasted (Harmon's produce department is the best!), watched a movie, read Cosmopolitan from cover to cover (mostly to gauge just how sexist this "female friendly" magazine is), and I splurged on a mini Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

Who do I love?  I love tons of people.  But, of all of the people that I love, I have really turned into my favorite.

Summer Classes

I have dropped off of the grid just a tad, and it is all the fault of my summer classes.  I wish adults had summer breaks like elementary school children; Aaaaah, to reminisce about the days when I would steal change from my parents to get ice cream from the ice cream man!

Hapa Taqueria

Before going to watch The Hangover Part II, we went to Hapa Taqueria for some food with our friends.  This new restaurant is in the old Acme Burger building, and although I'm sad Acme is gone, this new place is great!  They serve street-style tacos and botanas, or small snacks.  I had a pork taco and two carne asada tacos, with some chips and guacamole.  Ben had a chicken street-taco and a chicken quesadilla; we enjoyed every menu item that we purchased, and will definitely be going back.  [For the next three weeks they are serving $1 tacos and super cheap tequila shots and draft beers ($1-3).]

As for The Hangover Part II, it was pretty much identical to the first (crude jokes, crazy antics, and Bradley Cooper's gorgeous hair).  If you liked the first movie, the second shouldn't disappoint, but if you didn't like the first one (obviously) don't waste your time and money. 

In other news, I am sick.  I have been battling cold symptoms, and now flu symptoms for just over one week.  Ugh, I can't wait to feel better and hit the gym (in a moment of truthful shame I have to admit that I have packed on twenty, yup, twenty pounds.)  It is time to start eating like a healthy person again and working out (I give it two solid months and the weight will be gone, right?)

Tune-Up

I am taking the plunge, the therapy plunge!  I made the call, and the first appointment is set!   Ben, and my trusted friend, Natalie, rave about Karen Kindred and her work (take a gander at Nat's posts about Karen, and you'll want to see her!), so I'm going to see her this Friday.  I am excited to learn new things from such an intelligent woman.

Too often we concentrate on our waistlines and our complexions, but not enough on our minds.  I think that everyone should find a therapist that they can trust, and they should spend some time talking with someone that can help mediate their thoughts, and provide them with tools.  I hope that Karen is a good fit!

Ben has this delightful change tin in his shop, it makes me laugh every time I see it!